We sat in desperate silence in the changing room.

A dropped catch was the difference between victory and defeat against one of the best cricket clubs in the country. We were out of the National Cup. Our most reliable fielder had discovered butter fingers at the critical moment. We were all inconsolable.

It was months ago and I still feel the pain of the defeat as much as that moment after that game. That’s the dark side of the game we love; it doesn’t always go your way.

In cricket, we have a clear indication of success: Winning games. Winning is the point. Win more than anyone else and you get to claim trophies and plaudits for your club or school. Lose and you get a “better luck next time” and a feeling horrible feeling.

You know the one.

But success is not the same as winning cricket matches, just as failure is not the same as losing.

Take the opportunity

Imagine your cricket team comes up against a much stronger side. You have no chance of victory.

But you are determined to show your worth.

You play as hard as you can, you make few mistakes and you even have a moment or two when you are on top, but you end up losing by seven wickets.

You lost.

You didn’t fail.

How can you have failed? You:

1. Tried as hard as you could.
2. Players as well as could be expected.
3. Learned from the experience that you need to get better.

Isn’t that all we can expect from anyone at any time?

In recent times it’s become popular in top level cricket form losing teams to “take the positives” from a game when they lose. This is not the whole story.

I like to say we are “taking the opportunities” instead.

That way, the result is one small part of your success or failure as a team. If you see an opportunity to get better or put in more effort and focus, then take it regardless of the result of the game.

Naturally, if you lose when you feel you could have won, you will feel down about it. But even in these moments, it’s about taking the opportunity to grow and reduce the chance of defeat next time.

The result is not the end

When I hear players I coach talk about winning games, I applaud their determination and focus. I’m also quick to be clear that the result of the game is just one part of the reason we play cricket.

You can play well, put in your best effort, have a fun day with good friends and still lose the match.

You can be half-hearted, lean on a superstar, have an argument on the pitch because you dislike each other so much, everyone goes home straight after the game and you still win.

Luck, opposition skill, conditions, form, umpiring and a hundred other factors go into the final result. You don’t control many of them.

The result really is just part of the process.

Will to win

Of course, I’m as competitive as any other cricketer and coach. I want the teams I coach to win every game.

I also recognise - and advocate passionately - that poor results are not an accurate reflection of failure. When we play (win or lose), I ask the players to look into themselves and ask,

1. Did I give my all to the best of my current ability?
2. How can I better prepare for next time?

If you can honestly say you did your best and the team lost, you can also say you didn’t fail.

That’s not an excuse to sit back either. If you really want to win you still need to put in the energy and commitment to develop. It’s just that the “W” column is a consequence of your increased skills, team work and - let’s be honest - luck too.

So don’t obsess about winning. Obsess about improving and enjoying. Let the winning look after itself.